A Therapist’s Guide to Using Valentine’s Day and the Month of February as a Relationship Check-In
Jake Raynock, SWLC
Valentine’s Day has a way of amplifying what’s already happening in a relationship. For some couples, it’s a meaningful moment of connection. For others, it highlights distance, unmet expectations, or recurring conflict.
As a Gottman-trained couples therapist, I often see Valentine’s Day act as a mirror, not in creating problems, but revealing them. The good news? That makes it a powerful opportunity for reflection, conversation, and growth.
This February, let us take the opportunity to work on reinforcing the foundations of your “Sound Relationship House.” Whether you’ve been together for six months or married for 50 years, the following information and advice will promote better communication, deepen your emotional connection, and help you approach inevitable conflicts with a fresh perspective and increased understanding.
Questions to Ask Each Other This Valentine’s Day
These reflective questions can help couples identify patterns that can be barriers to emotional connection. How do we usually handle conflict, do we avoid it, escalate quickly, or get stuck? Do we feel heard and understood during disagreements? What does emotional support look like for each of us? What are our shared goals for this relationship over the next year?
How to Talk About Relationship Expectations Around Valentine’s Day
Valentine’s Day carries a lot of unspoken pressure. One partner may want romance and effort, while the other may see it as “just another day.” Instead of guessing, try naming expectations openly by asking yourself and your partner “What does Valentine’s Day mean to you?” “What would help you feel appreciated this week?” “Are there any pressures or disappointments you’re carrying into this holiday?”
Conversation Starters That Support Deeper Connection
Connection doesn’t come from grand gestures alone, it comes from emotional attunement. Try these prompts together: “When do you feel most connected to me lately?” “What’s one thing you’ve been needing more of from me?” “What’s something about you I might not fully understand yet?”
When Valentine’s Day Highlights Relationship Challenges
If Valentine’s Day consistently leads to arguments or withdrawal, feelings of disappointment or resentment, avoidance of the holiday altogether, it may be pointing to deeper patterns such as unmet emotional needs, conflict avoidance, or difficulty repairing after disagreements.
Using Valentine’s Day as a Relationship Check-In
Instead of viewing Valentine’s Day as a test your relationship passes or fails, consider it a check-in. Ask open-ended questions like: What’s been working well between us? Where do we feel stuck? Are we turning toward each other, or away, when stress shows up?
In conclusion:
Healthy relationships aren’t defined by perfect holidays, they’re built through intentional conversations, repair after conflict, and a willingness to understand each other more deeply.
If Valentine’s Day brings up questions about your connection, communication, or future together, this brief example demonstrates how couples therapy can help turn those questions into growth.
Sometimes the most meaningful Valentine’s gift is learning how to show up for each other better, together.